"Wade in de water
  Wade in de water, chillin'...

        When in high school, for some strange reason I was unable to get along with my right-wing conservative father, so I ended up living with my grand- parents.  They emigrated in the early 1900's from Scotland and had met each other later, after arriving in America.  My grandfather used to refer to me as an "everyday boy", to which of course my grandmother would wholeheartedly agree, as I was in one sort of trouble or another nearly every day.  He did his best to bring me up right, educating me of the finer things in life, such as the superior quality of the earthy poetry of Robert Burns, the absolute necessity of a good cigar (not to be confused with the bland American Robert Burns imitation cigar) and the erudite wisdom of undeniable sophistication that defines refined Scottish gentlemen over their barbaric Irish neighbors; being, of course, that the uncouth Irish are an obvious tribe of savage Catholic miscreants who drown their inferior whiskey in coffee in order to kill the taste, while the cultured Presbyterian Scotsman is someone who puts a little tea in the world's finest whiskey in order to warm the experience.  Aside from what certain of the unlearned and uninitiated might decry as patently overt prejudice and even though his formal education reached only through the sixth grade, my grandfather remains to this day, both the smartest and wisest man I have ever personally known.

        An ardent member of the Presbyterian church of Scotland, my grand- mother had always been entirely dissatisfied with what poses as 'Presbyterian' here in America, thus she had developed the bad habit of ruining a perfectly good Sunday day of rest by trying to drag me down to the Quaker "Friends" church, which according to her astute reasoning, if it was good enough for Richard Nixon, then it was a reasonable substitute enough for her.  Although she had no formal training in social theory, never having had the misfortune of being compelled to study Comte or Marx or John or Jack Rousseau, she nevertheless had developed over the years, a rather interesting and in all probability, more advanced theory of correct social order than all four of these dysfunctional communal savages combined.

        In her experienced perspective, those of the Scottish Presbyterian persuasion perch at the top of the social ladder of endowed enlightenment, followed by persons of other liberal Protestant opinion, such as Methodist, Episcopalian and of course, Richard Nixon's Quakers.  Trailing in digressing order are Seventh-Day Adventists, Mormons, Catholics and other cults, then those of such unrefined predilection as Jews, Buddhists, Muslims and similar infidels.  After these come all of the sinners and unreligious common people, followed by agnostics, atheists, Unitarians and similar backsliding reprobates. Below these are pimps, drug dealers, used car salesman, insurance brokers, mass murderers, lawyers, democrats and other such social ne'r-do-wells of ill repute.  Last and most definitely least are the Baptists, with conservative Baptists defining the utter bottom of the immoral miscreant societal sewer.

        Being a product of the sixties and the sincere young lad I sometimes aspired to be, I too over time developed my own somewhat misguided theory of communal achievement, which places bikers, bar people and the common people on the top rung of the ladder of success, followed in descending order by rock stars, general thieves at large, drug dealers, motion picture producers, pimps, scientists, lawyers, used car salesman, insurance brokers on down to self-help gurus, college professors, mass murderers, republicans, democrats, autocrats, plutocrats, multi-crats, bureaucrats, scaredy-cats, cast members of “Cats", television producers, child pornographers, child molesters, school board presidents, Fortune 500 corporation executives, presidential cabinet members, and most definitely last and undeniably least, congressmen.  If one fails at any of these ignoble trades, then there is always the priesthood and the ever more nefarious and lucrative profession of Christian Coalition television evangelism, to which, of course, there is no societal-depraved equal on God's great and brownish-clouded earth.

        Now the casual reader about this time may give pause to inquire as to what, if any rational goal, this laborious endeavor of jaded disillusionment may be aspiring to, if in truth it may indeed, have any moral rhyme, reason or purpose whatsoever.  Well. . . as we move toward the extreme lower portion of societal order substructure, almost suddenly and imperceptively without warning, we are attacked and become hopelessly entangled and enmeshed by a most dreadful and debilitating disease---that scourge of the poor and working classes, acutaneous raeguniosus, known by the common non-medical term (i.e., no healthcare for the common people), "Acute Raygunitus".

        Raygunitus, while appearing deceptively benign and even beneficial in the early stages, especially among the wealthy and upwardly mobile, eventually comes to destroy every unsuspecting living thing that inadvertently may happen to cross its perfidious and insidious path.  This malignant pseudo-philosophical cancerous contagion enters the body through the ear cavities, eye sockets and/or, by anal degeneration of the gluteus maximus by the maximum gluttonous.  Gradually eating away at and eventually eroding the entire brain-cell structure, it completely paralyzes its hapless victims, causing them to lose all ability to reason coherently, think independently, and function intelligently. Without waiting to complete its horrendous objective of total heart, mind and soul erosion and decimation, Raygunitus begins to spread its morbid malignancy down the length of the spinal column, gradually working its infectious way into the hapless victim's back pocket, where it eventually devours the unsuspecting wallet and its entire contents.

        A related pestilent putrification to Raygunitus, bushoftius trophoniosus, known by the common non-environmental term (i.e., no more bushes left on the entire planet), "Bushoptrophy", is thought by some to be even more deadly than the parent morbidity, as it re-invents itself through familial degeneration, passing from shifty-eyed father to ever more dishonest and incompetent beady-eyed son.  This parasitic offshoot of Raygunitus is even more corrupt and war-like than its pathological predecessor, its latent dementia having not long ago wielded an unruly coalition of capitalistic enterprisers against a Middle Eastern Sad Man megalomaniac of nefarious persuasion and similar, dubious origin. And while engaged in such overt and covert mayhem, at the same time heralding a new world disorder of unprecedented coexistence, ostensibly achieved by total non-cooperation, isolationism and complete global annihilation, meanwhile utterly ignoring the growing recession, rising inflation, increasing unemployment and expanding homeless population in its own backyard.

        Raygunitus was briefly thought to have been brought under control by a romantic ne'er-do-well known as "Wild Bill Clintoris", who it seems, had trouble keeping his britches up while trying to ride a bulbous wave of political fence-post sitting popularity, thus he became the unfortunate victim of public disgrace and humiliation and utter character castration by the ever-eager, liberal press media. The unfortunate Clintoris developed a severe pain in the Newtonius Maximus, brought about by a pathological liar and bribe-taking contractor for America, who was too busy signing million dollar book deals and accepting political graft from the greedy lobby-pockets of party-beneficent corporate coffers to bother much with the comparably insignificant problems of education, job creation and homeless war veterans.

        Apparently, Newtronitis occurs naturally in the rectal orifice among members of an onward Christian coalition of pharisaical fundamentalists and is spread rapidly among the general population whenever Fat Robber's son digresses into habitual homophobic speech of religious perversion.  And even though once hoped eradicated, now whenever the currently reigning contradicting crop of congressional malfeasants decide to flush their royal corporate lobby toilets, Raygunitus and it's parasitic offshoot Bushoptrophy persevere, from nefarious parental fountainhead of supply-side capitalistic debauchery on down through utterly vile and incompetent offspring, trickling down all over the unfortunate masses of we the people and continuing to bankroll the starwar-machines of Armageddon's corporation conspiracy of global malfeasance against the apocalyptic future of our children's children.

        Getting back to my Scottish Presbyterian grandmother, who never for one moment believed that Richard Nixon told all those lies or said all those bad, nasty words on tape---she had always liked Ike and therefore, reasoned by trickle-down extension that a vice-president of Ike's from such fine Quaker roots was undoubtedly on God's side and thus, could do no wrong.  To her dying day, she believed that the entire Watergate fiasco was an invention of godless Communists who had infiltrated the liberal press media.  Upon survey of the sordid contemporary collection of congressional crooks assembled under the 21st Century gilded capitol dome of slippery supply-side sleazery, it is not all that hard to believe that my grandmother was mainly correct about Richard Nixon---at least when Nixon lied, he did his best to cover it up so our fading American reputation, such as it is (or perhaps more correctly, was), didn't look quite so bad to the rest of the weary world community.  Our current out-in-far-right-Rumsfield troupe of starwar-machine pied-piper morally and globally ignorant blind advisors to the blind would best be instructed by my wise grandfather, who patiently tried to instill in me some form of logical conscience; i.e., what trickles down eventually comes around. . . just ask Richard Nixon.*

...Wade in de water
   God's gonna trouble de water"

Government Watchdog Organizations

DEDICATED TO:  Dave Barry, one of the few newspaper columnists in 21st Century America who comprehends the humor of the situation and thus, one of the few columnists actually worth reading.  Also dedicated to Kenny Tune and The Watt Four Band, who after reviewing the above exercise in futility, encouraged the author to become a songwriter; it remains uncertain as to whether or not this was meant as a compliment or as a serious attempt to save America from future similar jaded and unwarranted vituperative diatribe attempting to pass as halfway legitimate commentary.

*FootNote:  Written before the September 11th, 2001 tragedy at the World Trade Center in New York City.  In the author's opinion, there is no need to make any significant changes, as it would appear that the current Bush Administration is leading us onward down the ever-expanding black hole sewer of human misery toward an unavoidable eventual date with Armageddon---common sense dictates it is hard to argue with the prophets on this one.


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Copyright © August 20th, 2003 by Richard Aberdeen.

       No part of this material may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher and signed by the author. Inquiries: Freedom Tracks Records or requested via eMail.  Essays entitled Revolution and Revolution ~ Side B are open copyright and may be reproduced and distributed as desired.