QUESTIONS FOR GOD
by Naomi Rae Barnes; age nine


 "Stand by me while I run this race
  Stand by me while I run this race...


QUESTION:
        If you are so perfect and all powerful, why do you have to wear glasses, like I saw you doing in that movie with John Denver?  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        Actually, I can't see as well with these glasses on, which is why I like to wear them.  They help me overlook some of the faults of the savage light-skinned Europeans, so I wear them every day.  --God

QUESTION:
        If you are such a goodie, goodie, then why do you smoke those awful cigars like my friend Rich Aberdeen does?  My minister says they are bad for me, so I have never tried one, even though Rich offers them to me most all the time---he says they are good for development.  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        I created tobacco and it helped make America a great nation and now, no one there wants to enjoy one of my greatest gifts to humanity, that is, except Aberdeen, who has almost single-handedly kept North Carolina out of bankruptcy for the past seven years.  You know that tv evangelist Graham, he hails from that great tobacco state, but he never smokes the stuff---I just don't understand that---don't understand it at all.  I can't stand to see a good thing go to waste, so I've taken up smoking cigars myself.  I used to smoke other stuff like some Indian friends of mine do, but now I stick mainly to tobacco; at least, that's what I tell Mr. Graham.  By the way, nothing that I've created is bad for you, Naomi---What comes out of the heart and mouth of that minister of yours---that's what's bad for you.  I don't recommend that you ever listen to him. . . or Aberdeen either, for that matter---they're both a couple of very bad apples, not that apples are generally bad for you, Naomi, but those two, I would stay very far away from.  --God

QUESTION:
        My mother's boyfriend is a black-belt karate champion, a former bodyguard of Sam Kinison and Sylvester Stallone and he thinks he is Mister Tough-Guy. Rich thinks he's the biggest wimp in California, maybe even on the whole planet.  What do you think?  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        Although I hate to admit it, for once Aberdeen is right.  That bad apple, who is no friend of your mother or you, Naomi, takes all of the food stamp and welfare money intended for you and spends it on drugs and booze for himself and your mother.  He also deals drugs, steals from poor people and hasn't worked for the past four years.  I consider people like him true wimps of the highest order.  And those wimps who run your government, Naomi, they aren't any better---they only care about their own indolent political butts and hand out the welfare dole to lazy adults instead of directly to children through the school system like they should---they are truly among the stupidest of my creations. . . come to think of it, I don't recall having created them and God knows, I would never claim that I did.  --God

QUESTION:
        The books in my school say that the United States is a peace-loving country, but they also talk about all of the wars we have been in, so many that I've lost count.  And most of the people I know claim that God is on our side.  Is it really true that you are on our side?

ANSWER:
        Of course I'm on your side.  I'm on everybody's side.  Unfortunately, the wicked leaders of your country and the wicked charlatans who preach in your churches don't understand that.  And those feable-minded football coaches who pray to me asking for their team to win---how can I be expected to help them win if I'm on everybody's side?  Even I lose patience sometimes, Naomi---some of those dense creatures on your planet who claim that I created them are definitely shy a few bricks from the load.

QUESTION:
        My schoolteacher is an atheist.  She says that if there is a God, why is there so much suffering and hunger in the world?  I think she is mainly stupid, but I don't know how to answer her very well.  After all,  I am only nine years old.  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        I get very tired of these pseudo-intellectuals who strut around like the turkeys that they are, pretending that I don't exist.  The reason there is so much pain in the world is because I have given people a choice.  After all, if I didn't allow atheists like her to make the wrong choice, then it wouldn't be freedom of choice, now would it?  I don't understand why morons such as your teacher can't grasp even the simplest of logic.  What kind of teacher is that, anyway?  "I think, therefore I am"---what an utterly stupid and asinine statement that is!  I created rocks and they don't think, but if your teacher doesn't learn to stop lying, one of them is likely to fall on her head someday soon and then she will more than likely believe they exist---just watch and see.  Come to think of it, as I recall, she crawled out from under some petrified, pre-historic rock in the first place---sure as hell, I didn't create her.  Most of the rocks I created have a lot more smarts than she ever hoped to have.  --God

QUESTION:
        My friend Rachel's older brother belongs to the Mensa Society.  He says that we came from monkeys automatically without any help from you.  He believes in some weird-sounding religion called Unnatural Superstitionism and says that we don't need you anyway, because modern science is going to solve all of our problems.  Do you think this is true?  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        As you know, Naomi, I don't believe in any religion, including that inane superstition drivel that tries to eliminate me from science---not that it has anything to do with real science, Naomi---true science doesn't ignore the obvious evidence of me.  I recommend that you stick to your much more credible regular fairytales.  I can't recall any survivors of Hiroshima that have much faith in modern science.  Perhaps they are a bit prejudiced, Naomi, but that is the reality as far as I can tell.  And I don't know of any baboons other than Charlie Darwin who believe that they are the grandparents of people.  Every other baboon and chimpanzee that I am aware of vehemently denies such ludicrous and baseless slander and the ACLU (that's the Animal Civil Liberties Union, Naomi) has strictly forbidden that any such blasphemous misguided prejudice be allowed to be taught in zoo school.
        One thing I can tell you for certain is that brother of Rachel hasn't the foggiest idea of how he got here, nor do I---all I know is that I most certainly didn't create him.  I do however, have a very definite idea of where he is going and let me tell you, Naomi, it is a lot warmer there than you would care to find out.  And by the way, I sure as hell wish that people would stop equating me with religion.  I don't like religion. because it causes people like your teacher and Rachel's brother to not believe in me.  Religion is a big waste of everybody's time, especially mine.  --God

QUESTION:
        I don't understand men and sex, like my friend Rich for example.  He tells me he likes women for their minds, but he's always eyeballing them; he likes old ones, young ones, short ones, tall ones, fat ones, skinny ones. . . and especially, rich ones---he told me he likes them the best but only because they have the best minds.  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        I don't understand men and sex either, but I recommend to you, Naomi, that you watch out for them.  Here I go to a great deal of trouble and create a large variety of women in all shapes and sizes and then they go and prefer only a few of the skinniest, ugliest and most unhealthy of the lot---most men are very narrow-minded, Naomi  --God

QUESTION:
        Can I have a new computer for Christmas?  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        I don't believe in Christmas or any of those other pagan holidays and I don't think computers are good for children, or adults for that matter, come to think of it, but I will make sure you get one anyway, Naomi.  --God

COMMENT:
        I love you God.  I'm not sure I like Rich Aberdeen though---I think I like him pretty much because he likes to have fun all the time.  He hangs around some pretty rough people and hangs around bars all day when he's not sleeping or watching tv---he says it's to further his education.  --Naomi

ANSWER:
        I love you too, Naomi.  I'm not sure about Aberdeen either, but I can tell you for certain that he's never going to be educated---hasn't the personality or the will power for it---actually, come to think of it, I don't really blame him, as neither do I---I can't stand hanging around in some boring classroom listing to some stupid moron like your teacher either, or God forbid Naomi, that dull minister of yours---what a waste of a good Sunday morning that is!  One thing me and Aberdeen have in common, Naomi, is that we both like to have fun all of the time---I wish that men and women on your planet would stop hating and killing each other and learn to have fun instead, so then I could begin to have fun again myself---after creating people, my life has been downhill ever since and my reputation is not at all what it used to be---even minor planets like Xenophileon, Yenophileon and Zenophileon are continually laughing at me behind my back.  --God

P.S.
        You're one of my favorites, Naomi, so don't let that infidel minister, your dim-witted teacher or some other mindless baboon tell you otherwise. . . What? I'm not supposed to call people names---I'm not supposed to have favorites? Hey, I'm God, there is no such thing as what I'm supposed to do.  I can do whatever the heaven or hell I want---I can even do what I don't want if I want to, like put up with that stupid minister of yours for a season---and don't let some false-faced teacher, mindless Mensa intellectual, pedophile priest, half-wit two-bit tv preacher or other consummate liar tell you otherwise. . .  I don't exist. . . don't smoke tobacco. . . what I'm supposed to do and not do. . .  What utter imbeciles!  --God

P.P.S.
        One of my baboons just cursed at me and said I should apologize for comparing him to your lame-brain teacher and reprobate minister---he says it hurt his family's feelings very deeply, so I apologize---sometimes people get me so riled up even I start making mistakes, like the time I told Aberdeen he should be more like Samuel Clemens---I was only trying to keep him busy so he wouldn't complain so much---I meant he should go out and drive a steamship or something, but being the lazy oaf that he is, he took it to mean some gravy sit-down job, like congressman, tv executive, New York Times chief wine and cigar critic or some similar equally nefarious profession.  But it's hard to be too harsh with him---lately I've been doing a whole lot of complaining myself. . .  I don't exist. . . don't smoke tobacco. . . what I'm supposed to do. . . like less than one-tenth of the women I create. . .  Good God, what was I thinking when created such slow-minded Neanderthals!---my poor little Naomi.  --God

 ...Stand by me while I run this race
    So I don't have to run this race in vain"


Henry Street Settlement       Human Rights Watch; Children's Rights

Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation International


DEDICATED TO:  The late George Burns, who was a better 'image' of our Creator for children than any modern priest or preacher. . . a whole lot better image.  "Well, there you are George, you finally made it---What took you so long, anyway?"  "Say goodnight, Gracie."


           


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Copyright © August 20th, 2003 by Richard Aberdeen.

       No part of this material may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher and signed by the author. Inquiries: Freedom Tracks Records or requested via eMail.  Essays entitled Revolution and Revolution ~ Side B are open copyright and may be reproduced and distributed as desired.