The Calvary Chapel
Authorized Version Annotated Bible

Translated from seas of dead scrolls, scribes and Pharisees
( better dead than red letter, canonized King James edition )
Footnotes by: B.J. Scoffield; PhD, DD, NRA, CIA, DDT & Total BS


        Thou shalt have no other gods before our god, the Bible.  And positively, thou shalt not ever read the New King James Bible, which was compiled by godless satanic occultist communists and eliminates all of the threatening “thees” and “thous”, which our god clearly placed in there for a good reason.

        Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.  Notwithstanding, it was perfectly okay for the Christian Coalition to super-impose a huge picture of Junior Bushwhacker on a gigantic screen behind their conservative warmongering bully pulpit at a recent national conservative pharisaical convention of proud-to-be-a-flag-waving-American hypocrites.

        Thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy god the Bible in vain.  Nor shalt thou use any naughty language whatsoever when expressing thy utter disdain and intense anger against thy warmongering, environment polluting and people’s health ignoring goddamn government of corporate congressional appeasing shitheads, or our god will most surely damn thy soul all to hell, goddamn it !

        Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  However, thou may ignore the Sabbath day entirely, preferring instead to sing “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic” at the fundamental church on Sunday before going shopping for Christmas and other pagan holiday gifts at Wal-Mart in the afternoon.  We assure thee this is the godly and self-righteous Christian thing to do.

        Honor thy father and thy mother.  That is, as long as thy father and mother are good conservative Christians who vote the Republican Party line.  If they deviate toward the liberal left even slightly, then take out thy NRA approved M-16 modified super-sniper rifle and blow them to kingdom come, which is thy god-given Constitutional and Christian charitable duty.

        Thou shalt not kill. That is, thou shalt not kill stalwart believers in our truth, justice and the Christian genocidal free enterprise Manifest Destiny way.  Of course, thou may freely kill the godless infidels who reside in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Palestine, North Korea, Vietnam, Cambodia, the former Soviet Union, the entire godless nation of China, Cuba and the rest of Central and South America, on the reservation in the United States or anyone residing near or within the Sodomitic zip code of 90210.

        Thou shalt not commit adultery.  However, if thou art a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant television evangelist, thou surely will not die or lose thy profession as a preacher of old-time sham religion as long as thou publicly repent.  What thou continue to do in private, of course, is thine own damn godly business.

        Thou shalt not steal.  That is, thou shalt not steal except from poor people, widows and orphans in order to support the lavish lifestyles of Christian ministers of our god, the Bible and the great and godly international cause of sham television evangelism for profit.

        Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.  That is, as long as thy neighbor continues along the ‘straight and narrow’ and votes the Republican Party line.  If thy neighbor should step ever so slightly outside the boundaries of our immoral minority whitewashed tombstone straight and narrow pathway, then thou shalt report they neighbor to John AssCrap and the Department of Homeland Insecurity, where thou may freely perjure thyself profusely in order to ruin thy backsliding neighbor’s career and otherwise, have thy neighbor incarcerated and executed accordingly. . . O give thanks for Senator Joe McCarthy and bless his holy and patriotic name forever.  Amen.

        Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house. . . nor thy neighbor’s ass, especially if thy neighbor is of the same gender as thou art.

        Thou shalt not commit abortion ever, in any way for any reason.  Even though Jesus and the entire New Testament never mentions abortion and even though the entire Old Testament never mentions the subject except possibly in one esoteric place in Exodus, which true meaning thereof is entirely obscure, we assure thee this is the self-righteous and Christian thing to do.  Do not allow thyself to fall into that liberal pinko commie trap of trying to aid the sick and poor who are already born rather than protecting the rights of the unborn and thou shalt not ever give a damn about the Human Rights or environmental future of the already born, which would be setting a bad example of unchristian and unpatriotic liberal communistic extremism.

        Thou shalt not drink wine or strong drink, nor shalt thou associate thyself with sinners down on whiskey row.  Even though Jesus did this all the time, we assure thee he was most severely in error and thou shalt not imbibe nor befriend or associate with sinners, Democrats, hippies or other unpatriotic liberal pinko godless Communists and anarchistic atheists.

        Thou shalt not add or subtract one jot or tittle from our god, the Bible. Even though we add and subtract, ignore or otherwise entirely invent, whatever we want concerning the Bible frequently, we can assure thee that we have attended Dallas Theological Cemetery and the Liberty Baptist Academy Of Onward Christian Soldiers Marching Off To War Against The Godless Infidels Of Iraq and are therefore, qualified to make up new commandments whenever we feel like it---but thou most certainly, are not.  We are our god the Bible’s personal representatives and we know exactly how our god should be correctly interpreted. . .  How great thou the Bible, art ! * **

Gays for Jesus

DEDICATED TO:  The common people of America, a common population consisting of what today are incorrectly labled ‘gay’, ‘straight’ and ‘bi-sexual’ human beings, such convenient surface conclusions being far from scientifically or Biblically accurate.  Jesus clearly does not condemn any individuals among the common population for any reason but rather, reserves his condemnation for conservative religious hypocrites such as those satirized above.

*FootNote:  Inspired by a recent supermarket tabloid, which claimed in large headlines that three additional commandments had recently been discovered.  Not that we haven’t had enough trouble obeying the first ten, like conservative fundamentalists and other religionists of the modern era, now someone wants to go and add even more rules and regulations to make our lives even more intolerably difficult.

**FootNote II:  In a local park in Prescott, Arizona, as many as seventy homeless and near homeless individuals gather each Sunday afternoon around 2:30 pm to be fed.  On Fathers Day of 2002 in this park, a group identifying themselves as being from Calvary Chapel showed up about this same time, claiming to have a permit for the area where these poverty-stricken individuals had been gathering each Sunday for over a year.  Threatening them with arrest if they did not comply, the group claiming to be from Calvary Chapel forced these individuals to move to the far south end corner of the park.  The next day, upon checking with the parks and recreation department, the author was told that Calvary Chapel only had a permit for a much smaller area than they had claimed and that the area that their permit covered did not even include the space where these poor people were gathered to eat.  This is not simply a case of private citizens crassly ignoring the plight of and otherwise trampling all over, the Civil Rights of the homeless.  This is a case of people who claim to represent God crassly ignoring the plight of and otherwise, trampling all over the Human Rights and freedom of other human beings.  In the author’s opinion, these people claiming to be from Calvary Chapel clearly represent Sodom and Gomorrah and follow the god of Babylon confusion.


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Copyright © August 20th, 2003 by Richard Aberdeen.

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