Chapter Forty-One

House Of Ill-Repute
The Fat Robber's Son Goodtime Rag
[ intro to the tune "Lodi" by John Fogerty; Creedence Clearwater Revival ]
[ main body to the tune "House of the Rising Sun", traditional ]

We are conservative fundamental and we believe in right to life
We vote for the right politics that represent greed and strife
We're too concerned with rights of unborn to give a goddamn about the livin'
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs again

We are conservative fundamental and we obey every law and rule
We don't want sex education or evolution taught in our school
We believe our god created the earth but doesn't give a damn about pollution
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs again

We are conservative fundamental, the immoral minority
We clean up the outside of the cup, we don't believe in being free
We oppose every single cause that in any way benefits the livin'
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs again. . .

              There is a house in my hometown
              They claim represents your son
              It's been the ruin of many a free spirit
              And God I know I'm one

              Thou shalt not drink, gamble or chew
             They say we shouldn't have any fun
             Don't you dare ever go with the girls that do
             They claim you are their big gun

              They swear that you represent our great land
             But they vote for all those who screw
             Our sick, our poor, our common workingman
             They don't really care what is true

              Now they claim your son was our best friend
             But they never visit our bar or our band
             They let our finest children die in the streets
             They won't stoop to lend a hand

              They clean up their act and dress in fine clothes
             Like a graveyard built for the dead
             They read your good book and then pass the plate
             Never doing what the Samaritan said

              I visited their house just the other day
             And I truly wished them well
             But if this is the way you want your children to be
             I hope I go to hell

              Now, there is a house in my hometown
             They claim represents your son
             It's been the ruin of many a free spirit
             And God I know I'm one

We are conservative fundamental, we know for certain we are right
We serve plasticized religion with all our hearts and souls and might
Don't bother us with facts from Matthew 25, don't talk to us about givin'
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs again

We are conservative fundamental, we beat our salvation army drum
We believe the Bible is God, so we don't bother to listen to his son
Bow down to Babylon every Sunday, salute her stain-glass idols now and then
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs again
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs again
Oh Lord, they're carryin' abortion signs a-g-a-i-n-! * ** *** ****

A Godly Response to the Christian Coalition

The Center for Lesbian and Gay Civil Rights

DEDICATED TO:  Reverend Claude M. Sailhammer, 1950's pioneer of modern sham evangelism, who used to rant long and loud against the evils of television and tobacco, locking the doors of the Long Beach Auditorium and continuing to pass the plate of religion's booty until he had enough money to pay for his various expenses, including one of the better homes in Southern California, a Cadillac and two of his forbidden television sets (rare in those simple times).  Also dedicated to Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live, home of the Church Lady and other quality programming that is too good for primetime television.  Step up to the plate and ASK FAT ROBBER'S SON A "HARD" QUESTION (see FootNote III below for details).

*FootNote:  Inspired by the Emmylou Harris version of John Fogerty's "Lodi" and Eric Burdon and the Animals' version of "House of the Rising Sun", although it remains unclear just exactly how thrilled they might be regarding such unknown inspiration.  In 1992, a member of a Los Angeles area band called The Watt Four, having read some of the author's political commentary, asked him to try to write a couple of songs for them.  This is the first socio-political song ever attempted by the author and, as more than one beleaguered individual has since commented, perhaps may very well should have been the last.  The band here mentioned claimed to like the song, but for some unknown reason, never attempted to perform it publicly, which may well have indicated sound judgment on their part, depending on whom one might ask.

**FootNote II:  According to the Bible, Joshua of Nazareth, who by accident of historical translation is largely known today as "Jesus", utterly condemned conservative religious fundamentalists and seems to have deliberately ate and drank with the worst sinners of his generation.  According to the Biblical narrative, he was extremely well liked by these same "sinners and common people".  The fact that those of us who today enjoy Jay Leno, David Letterman and Saturday Night Live utterly despise and make sport of modern Christianity clearly indicates that modern Christianity is as far away from Joshua as the East is from the West. . . perhaps even a little further.  (See Revolution for more details.)
       Interestingly enough, even though the issue has been around since ancient Babylon and Egypt (i.e., since major civilization began), the issue of abortion is never mentioned in the New Testament or in the Old Testament (except possibly in one minor esoteric reference in Exodus, which meaning is obscure to the modern reality and may refer to something entirely different). One could perhaps correctly assume that if Joshua is the Messiah and this is such an all-important issue to the Creator, that he would not have so carelessly overlooked it (note everything that is today believed important regarding modern Human and Civil Rights theory, Joshua clearly did mention, both by word and more importantly, by deed).  The fact that the abortion issue is never addressed most definitely indicates one or more of the following:  A) The true Messiah, by definition, would cover all of the important bases, therefore Joshua was not the Messiah because he failed to mention such an all-important issue; B) Joshua didn't mention it because he considered the issue, like most of what Christianity and other religions promote, irrelevant to the positive great historical scheme of what actually does matter; and/or C) Modern Catholics and Protestants are being total Pharisaical hypocrites in making such a big deal out of a minor non-issue---i.e., what Joshua might term swallowing the camel of what matters while straining the knat of Pharisaical fine-pointed absurdity (which is entirely typical of modern fundamentalist Christians, see below).

***FootNote III:  Conservative Biblical literalist Hal Lindsey, author of The Late Great Planet Earth, who apparently fancies himself as a latter-day prophet of sorts (which god may be open to reasonable debate), is a defender of love-of-money fueled capitalism and free enterprise aggression and supporter of Republican warmongering Neo-conservatism, including strong endorsement of the Bush Administration's recent callous bombing of defenseless women and children in Iraq.  How all of this fits literally in with the sharing “all things in common” communism of the New Testament and Isaiah beating swords into plowshares has never been quite fully explained.  Lindsey claims to pride himself in going by the Bible literally yet, when the author sent him two emails inquiring as to why he fails to literally put his sword in it's place and why conservative Christians fail to literally share "all things in common" as the initial followers of Jesus clearly emphasized, Hal Lindsey literally ignored both emails.  Apparently, Biblical literalism by every "jot and tittle" must needs apply to misinterpreted esoteric portions of Old Testament Exodus, which Lindsey and other conservative religionists hold up as an Eleventh Commandment forbidding abortion for any reason whatsoever (including saving the life of the mother), yet when it comes to direct teachings of Jesus such as turning the other cheek and putting away our swords, Biblical literalism no longer seems to necessarily be the Christian thing to uphold.  Truly "hypocrisy" is not nearly a strong enough word for such overt contradictory Biblical perversion.
        For the record, Old Testament Leviticus literally forbids the permanent ownership of land, a literal practice shared by both Jesus and his early followers and most Native Americans; a view considered unchristian and barbaric by European settlers of North America and the main reason used by them for labeling Native Americans as "savage" and therefore, open to subjugation and outright slaughter (justified as “Christianizing” the natives).  Of course, slavery of Native Americans, Africans, Chinese and others was viewed as a God-given Bible-endorsed European settler's Christian right if not duty, not to mention the American and world capitalistic economic enslavement supported by time-honored (howbeit neither Biblical nor God-honored) 'patriotic' traditions of modern conservative Christian twisted lunacy. Apparently Lindsey has been so consumed by the monumental task of going by every jot and tittle of perceived Old Testament fragments that he has literally evolved into an organization unto himself---inquiries regarding literally going by bits and pieces of the Old Testament while ignoring plain direct teachings of Jesus can be made directly at (although he literally may not respond).

****FootNote IV:  According to CBS News, "Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson accused President Bush of 'undermining a Christian, Baptist president to bring in Muslim rebels' by asking Liberian President Charles Taylor, recently indicted for war crimes, to step down." According to CNN, Taylor is known to have backed a rebel group that hacked off people's limbs and literally re-arranged their faces.  Under Taylor, innocent Liberian citizens were rounded up, imprisoned and tortured merely for belonging to a tribe who had some members suspected of opposing Taylor, even if those rounded up had not opposed him.  According to The Washington Post, Fat Robber's son has written off an $8 million investment in a Liberian gold mining venture he made four years ago under an agreement with Taylor's government. No doubt that where a sham evangelist's financial foot in big fat mouth is, there his Liberian gold mine will be also.
        According to the Associated Press, Fat Robber's son recently sold his horse racing interests due to the concern of some his more conservative adherents that this sport might be seen as an unchristian wagering enterprise (notwithstanding, both the Old and New Testaments contain several examples of condoned wagering).  According to the same source, the total value of these interests remains unknown, although one horse alone was reportedly worth in excess of $500,000.  Some, including the author here, might view this as going a bit overboard on the horse-manure-spreading when compared to the possessions of Jesus, who it would seem, had trouble affording his own donkey.  Some might even conclude that a true follower of Jesus would be of better service if some of the manure-spreading profits of CBN were passed along instead, to Jerry's Kids and America's homeless.  If all this seems more than a little mystifying to the average American common person of 12-30,000 dollar per annum income or so, step up to the plate and ASK FAT ROBBER'S SON A "HARD" QUESTION.
        It appears that the email response of Fat Robber's son below, which completely ignores the question as to how and why he came to possess such assets in the first place, is a 'stock letter' reply intended to appease conservative contributors who were upset that property he owned was related to gambling.  The real issue of why would a quote, minister of God unquote, possess such assets in the first place apparently does not enter the mind of the conservative ever-faithful.  Note also the reference to Paul used for a sham pretense of defense---the real Paul, unlike Fat Robber's son, worked with his hands earning his own way, was among the poorest of all people and he very clearly taught that excess assets should be given to the poor. . .
        FAT ROBBER'S SON'S REPLY:  "As far as I can discern from history, every society that has owned horses has at one time or another had people who wished to compete their horses against one another.  In some instances, it was by jumping, in others by pulling heavy loads, and in others by racing over fields or around tracks.  In some cases, there was a combination of racing and jumping, many times in pursuit of wild animals.
        "When I was a youngster, we used to challenge one another to races over country roads or rolling pastures.  Very frankly, none of this brought any sense of embarrassment to me because I felt then, and feel now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with contests of skill, either between human athletes or equine athletes.
        "As a Virginian, I am proud of the fact that the number one athlete born in Virginia was not a human being, but a horse named Secretariat whose 31 length win at Belmont was considered the greatest athletic event in history until Tiger Woods' extraordinary golf victory in the PGA Tour at Pebble Beach.
        "Farmers in Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Kentucky, Florida, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Texas, and California have enjoyed the challenge of attempting to breed horses that could run faster, jump higher, or show the grace and balance required for dressage.  I am among that number who has bred Arabs, European warm bloods, and thoroughbreds.  This is something that I not only enjoy, but I have a commercial breeding operation.
        "However, the Apostle Paul set the standard when he made clear that he was free to eat whatever was offered to him, but that 'If meat causes my brother to offend, I will eat no meat while the earth stands.'
        "I am sorry that my fondness for the performance of equine athletes has caused you an offense; therefore, for your sake and the sake of others like you, I have set in motion the necessary plans to dispose of all of my thoroughbred racing and breeding stock between now and the breeding sale in Kentucky in November."
       AUTHOR'S RESPONSE:  Let the record clearly reflect that the author, along with every other sane American he is aware of, is entirely offended by the property ownership, political and 'social' actions of the Christian Coalition in general and one Fat Robber's son in particular. Apparently it is of no concern to them if their hypocrisy "causes. . . to offend" nine-tenths of the population of the United States.  Paul very clearly "set the standard", by both word and deed, when he stated (and did) the following:  "Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need."  One can plainly see that the author's claim of modern fundamentalism being as far from the teaching of Jesus and the New Testament as the East is from the West, is understatement rather than exaggeration.  (See Revolution for more information.)

NOTE ADDED 10/26/03:  According to Elisabeth Bumiller of the New York Times, Charles Colson (Watergate fame, now a conservative Christian), Rabbi David Saperstein, a liberal reform Jew and a group of feminists have joined together to try and convince the White House to combat Human Rights violations in Sudan---that’s the good news.  Apparently, White House adviser Karl Rove has determined that it is in the best interest of Bush & Co. to do something, as these people combined (Colson & other Evangelicals) represent 40% of his political power-base.  Bush’s main speechwriter Michael Gerson commented:  "To put it simply, it's a fairly radical belief that a child in an African village whose parents are dying of AIDS has the same importance before God as the president of the United States".  In other words, it would appear that A) Human Rights becomes an issue to the Bush Administration only when votes clearly matter and, B) The main person responsible for what Bush publicly promotes to the nation and the world actually finds it incredulous that someone would believe that a poor dark-skinned African child is actually as important to the Creator as a light-skinned WASP wealthy U.S. president.  Is there any doubt as to why the United States under Bush Junior is heading down international suicide row?


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Copyright © August 20th, 2003 by Richard Aberdeen.

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