Chapter Forty-Six
THE THIRTEEN COMMANDMENTS
The Calvary
Chapel
Authorized Version Annotated Bible
Translated from seas of dead scrolls, scribes and Pharisees
( better dead than red letter, canonized King James edition )
Footnotes by: B.J. Scoffield; PhD, DD, NRA, CIA, DDT & Total BS
COMMANDMENT ONE
Thou shalt have no other gods before our god, the Bible. And positively, thou shalt
not ever read the New King James Bible, which was compiled by godless satanic occultist
communists and eliminates all of the threatening “thees” and “thous”, which our god clearly
placed in there for a good reason.
COMMANDMENT TWO
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. Notwithstanding, it was perfectly
okay for the Christian Coalition to super-impose a huge picture of Junior Bushwhacker on a
gigantic screen behind their conservative warmongering bully pulpit at a recent national
conservative pharisaical convention of proud-to-be-a-flag-waving-American hypocrites.
COMMANDMENT THREE
Thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy god the Bible in vain. Nor shalt thou use
any naughty language whatsoever when expressing thy utter disdain and intense anger against thy
warmongering, environment polluting and people’s health ignoring goddamn government of
corporate congressional appeasing shitheads, or our god will most surely damn thy soul all to
hell, goddamn it !
COMMANDMENT FOUR
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. However, thou may ignore the Sabbath day
entirely, preferring instead to sing “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic” at the fundamental
church on Sunday before going shopping for Christmas and other pagan holiday gifts at Wal-Mart
in the afternoon. We assure thee this is the godly and self-righteous Christian thing to
do.
COMMANDMENT FIVE
Honor thy father and thy mother. That is, as long as thy father and mother are good
conservative Christians who vote the Republican Party line. If they deviate toward the
liberal left even slightly, then take out thy NRA approved M-16 modified super-sniper rifle and
blow them to kingdom come, which is thy god-given Constitutional and Christian charitable duty.
COMMANDMENT SIX
Thou shalt not kill. That is, thou shalt not kill stalwart believers in our truth,
justice and the Christian genocidal free enterprise Manifest Destiny way. Of course, thou
may freely kill the godless infidels who reside in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Palestine, North Korea,
Vietnam, Cambodia, the former Soviet Union, the entire godless nation of China, Cuba and the
rest of Central and South America, on the reservation in the United States or anyone residing
near or within the Sodomitic zip code of 90210.
COMMANDMENT SEVEN
Thou shalt not commit adultery. However, if thou art a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant
television evangelist, thou surely will not die or lose thy profession as a preacher of
old-time sham religion as long as thou publicly repent. What thou continue to do in
private, of course, is thine own damn godly business.
COMMANDMENT EIGHT
Thou shalt not steal. That is, thou shalt not steal except from poor people, widows and
orphans in order to support the lavish lifestyles of Christian ministers of our god, the Bible
and the great and godly international cause of sham television evangelism for profit.
COMMANDMENT NINE
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. That is, as long as thy neighbor
continues along the ‘straight and narrow’ and votes the Republican Party line. If thy
neighbor should step ever so slightly outside the boundaries of our immoral minority
whitewashed tombstone straight and narrow pathway, then thou shalt report they neighbor to
John AssCrap and the Department of Homeland Insecurity, where thou may freely perjure thyself
profusely in order to ruin thy backsliding neighbor’s career and otherwise, have thy neighbor
incarcerated and executed accordingly. . . O give thanks for Senator Joe McCarthy and bless his
holy and patriotic name forever. Amen.
COMMANDMENT TEN
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house. . . nor thy neighbor’s ass, especially if thy
neighbor is of the same gender as thou art.
COMMANDMENT ELEVEN
Thou shalt not commit abortion ever, in any way for any reason. Even though Jesus and the
entire New Testament never mentions abortion and even though the entire Old Testament never
mentions the subject except possibly in one esoteric place in Exodus, which true meaning
thereof is entirely obscure, we assure thee this is the self-righteous and Christian thing to
do. Do not allow thyself to fall into that liberal pinko commie trap of trying to aid the
sick and poor who are already born rather than protecting the rights of the unborn and thou
shalt not ever give a damn about the Human Rights or environmental future of the already born,
which would be setting a bad example of unchristian and unpatriotic liberal communistic
extremism.
COMMANDMENT TWELVE
Thou shalt not drink wine or strong drink, nor shalt thou associate thyself with sinners down on
whiskey row. Even though Jesus did this all the time, we assure thee he was most severely
in error and thou shalt not imbibe nor befriend or associate with sinners, Democrats, hippies
or other unpatriotic liberal pinko godless Communists and anarchistic atheists.
COMMANDMENT THIRTEEN
Thou shalt not add or subtract one jot or tittle from our god, the Bible. Even though we
add and subtract, ignore or otherwise entirely invent, whatever we want concerning the Bible
frequently, we can assure thee that we have attended Dallas Theological Cemetery and the Liberty
Baptist Academy Of Onward Christian Soldiers Marching Off To War Against The Godless Infidels
Of Iraq and are therefore, qualified to make up new commandments whenever we feel like it---but
thou most certainly, are not. We are our god the Bible’s personal representatives and we
know exactly how our god should be correctly interpreted. . . How great thou the Bible, art ! * **
Gays for
Jesus
DEDICATED TO: The common people of America, a common population consisting of what today are
incorrectly labled ‘gay’, ‘straight’ and ‘bi-sexual’ human beings, such convenient surface
conclusions being far from scientifically or Biblically accurate. Jesus clearly
does not condemn any individuals among the common population for any reason but rather, reserves
his condemnation for conservative religious hypocrites such as those satirized above.
*FootNote: Inspired by a recent supermarket tabloid, which claimed in large headlines that
three additional commandments had recently been discovered. Not that we haven’t had enough
trouble obeying the first ten, like conservative fundamentalists and other religionists of the
modern era, now someone wants to go and add even more rules and regulations to make our lives
even more intolerably difficult.
**FootNote II: In a local park in Prescott, Arizona, as many as seventy homeless and near
homeless individuals gather each Sunday afternoon around 2:30 pm to be fed. On Fathers Day
of 2002 in this park, a group identifying themselves as being from Calvary Chapel showed up
about this same time, claiming to have a permit for the area where these poverty-stricken
individuals had been gathering each Sunday for over a year. Threatening them with arrest
if they did not comply, the group claiming to be from Calvary Chapel forced these individuals to
move to the far south end corner of the park. The next day, upon checking with the parks
and recreation department, the author was told that Calvary Chapel only had a permit for a much
smaller area than they had claimed and that the area that their permit covered did not even
include the space where these poor people were gathered to eat. This is not simply a case
of private citizens crassly ignoring the plight of and otherwise trampling all over, the Civil
Rights of the homeless. This is a case of people who claim to represent God crassly
ignoring the plight of and otherwise, trampling all over the Human Rights and freedom of other
human beings. In the author’s opinion, these people claiming to be from Calvary Chapel
clearly represent Sodom and Gomorrah and follow the god of Babylon confusion.
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